Downfall of my spirit

Well I'm not sure how many people know this by now but I am pregnant!! I am currently 1 month along. This is a surprising blessing. We were thinking about having another child, but hadn't quite decided when. So that's why I call it a surprise...

I wanted to wait and get pregnant when I actually started working so the baby would be due after school got out, but the baby is now due in April so I won't be able to work all the way through the school year. But since I don't have a full time job (because I'm missing a certification for Spanish speaking students) I'm just subbing for now. This actually works out better because then I don't have to take maternity leave... but is a downfall because I don't get the insurance.


Anyways... I am very excited and nervous about our upcoming child. I know that Jezreel will be fine with the new baby because she loves everyone. But I think she might get a bit jealous at times of mom paying attention to the new baby. But that's not the reason for the downfall of my spirit....


I was calling my insurance company to find out more information about their pregnancy coverage and I came to find out that they DO NOT COVER PREGNANCY!!! I was totally shocked because I researched forever to find a good insurance company, and I could of sworn that they said on the comparison page that they covered pregnancy. But it must of been one of those small print things that I didn't see or got confused with another company that I was comparing and just assumed. I have now learned to call people when I am completing important information instead of doing it on the Internet.


Well needless to say I totally let Satan into my heart and let him take control over my emotions. I was mad at the insurance company for not covering pregnant women, mad at myself for not looking at all the fine print (I was in a hurry because our insurance was about to expire and we were moving), mad at Ryan (for no reason at all), mad at the world because I was pregnant and not prepared for the new baby. I want the best for my family at all times and to be prepared for the unexpected (how can I do that when I don't know what the unexpected is, right??) I just wanted vengeance on someone.. I didn't know how, or who...


Well after crying hysterically for an hour (all the while I was supposed to be watching Jez, watching one of the other ministers children, and getting lunch ready for the family), Ryan was just trying to tell me that everything would be o.k. and that God would provide, just like he always does for our family. I was just thinking... well how... how can God help me now? I have no options, no where to go... I was thinking of the expenses that we were going to have to pay for this baby, and how we were going to be "put out" of looking for a house because we weren't going to be able to afford it anymore... etc.

I'm still not sure how I got to this point emotionally or spiritually but it was not a fun time. I know that I have to have faith in God and that he always provides a way. Satan is always working and trying to find foot holes in my life and I have to do my best to resit the temptation to let him in. I eventually just had to let go of my fear of not having all my ducks in line and turn it over to God. Eventually it will work out and I will not have to worry about having the right insurance, or even money to cover the cost if we don't get it.

I did find some options for insurance... Medical in California will cover just the pregnancy and another option is since Ryan's work has group insurance I can get on that even if I have a pre-existing condition (which is sometimes considered pregnancy in individual plans). The only draw back to this one is sometimes there is a waiting period before you are able to be seen by a doctor and the insurance company doesn't have a set "waiting period".

But either way, I have put it in God's hands now and am trying to learn how to let go of situations that may not always be expected. Life is full of surprises and I have to take them in stride...