Downfall of my spirit

Well I'm not sure how many people know this by now but I am pregnant!! I am currently 1 month along. This is a surprising blessing. We were thinking about having another child, but hadn't quite decided when. So that's why I call it a surprise...

I wanted to wait and get pregnant when I actually started working so the baby would be due after school got out, but the baby is now due in April so I won't be able to work all the way through the school year. But since I don't have a full time job (because I'm missing a certification for Spanish speaking students) I'm just subbing for now. This actually works out better because then I don't have to take maternity leave... but is a downfall because I don't get the insurance.


Anyways... I am very excited and nervous about our upcoming child. I know that Jezreel will be fine with the new baby because she loves everyone. But I think she might get a bit jealous at times of mom paying attention to the new baby. But that's not the reason for the downfall of my spirit....


I was calling my insurance company to find out more information about their pregnancy coverage and I came to find out that they DO NOT COVER PREGNANCY!!! I was totally shocked because I researched forever to find a good insurance company, and I could of sworn that they said on the comparison page that they covered pregnancy. But it must of been one of those small print things that I didn't see or got confused with another company that I was comparing and just assumed. I have now learned to call people when I am completing important information instead of doing it on the Internet.


Well needless to say I totally let Satan into my heart and let him take control over my emotions. I was mad at the insurance company for not covering pregnant women, mad at myself for not looking at all the fine print (I was in a hurry because our insurance was about to expire and we were moving), mad at Ryan (for no reason at all), mad at the world because I was pregnant and not prepared for the new baby. I want the best for my family at all times and to be prepared for the unexpected (how can I do that when I don't know what the unexpected is, right??) I just wanted vengeance on someone.. I didn't know how, or who...


Well after crying hysterically for an hour (all the while I was supposed to be watching Jez, watching one of the other ministers children, and getting lunch ready for the family), Ryan was just trying to tell me that everything would be o.k. and that God would provide, just like he always does for our family. I was just thinking... well how... how can God help me now? I have no options, no where to go... I was thinking of the expenses that we were going to have to pay for this baby, and how we were going to be "put out" of looking for a house because we weren't going to be able to afford it anymore... etc.

I'm still not sure how I got to this point emotionally or spiritually but it was not a fun time. I know that I have to have faith in God and that he always provides a way. Satan is always working and trying to find foot holes in my life and I have to do my best to resit the temptation to let him in. I eventually just had to let go of my fear of not having all my ducks in line and turn it over to God. Eventually it will work out and I will not have to worry about having the right insurance, or even money to cover the cost if we don't get it.

I did find some options for insurance... Medical in California will cover just the pregnancy and another option is since Ryan's work has group insurance I can get on that even if I have a pre-existing condition (which is sometimes considered pregnancy in individual plans). The only draw back to this one is sometimes there is a waiting period before you are able to be seen by a doctor and the insurance company doesn't have a set "waiting period".

But either way, I have put it in God's hands now and am trying to learn how to let go of situations that may not always be expected. Life is full of surprises and I have to take them in stride...

Family Update

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I kind of took a personal strike from blogger because no one was reading... but I have missed my blogger community and I know that the people that do read my blog (and don't leave comments) are missing my updates.

We successfully moved to Woodland, CA as of May 15th and Ryan is adjusting to working with the youth group here at the church and I am adjusting to not "working" (although being a stay at home mom is really hard work). The church here is growing slowly but surely. The outreach church that we are sistering with is a great help to the youth group and Ryan is getting connected to local churches in the area to participate in activities.

I am waiting on my certification to come into California so I can teach full time next year. It is a long process to be patient and wait, but I am trying to stay positive and know that everything will work out.

We just put an offer in on our third house that we've wanted. The other two didn't work out (although one of them just came back on the table, but that's another story) so we are hoping that this one will work out. Here is a picture of it. It's a Tuscan Revival home that is two stories with an unfinished basement that we plan on finishing.

My family came out for a visit at the end of may for a week and Jezreel, Ryan, and I went to all different places. We went to Napa Valley and saw a gazer there, San Francisco to Alcatraz, the zoo in Sacramento, berry picking in Woodland, the jelly belly factory in Vacaville, and playing at the park. We had a great time visiting with my family and it was great to go and see some interesting sites. Here are some pictures from our adventures....

Tying to give the goat a kiss She couldn't stop laughing at the goats

We all squeezed into a tram cart together so Walking down the steps at Coit Tower.

we wouldn't have to walk down the hill.

Jezreel and me My smiley happy girl

Loving daddy In the Kangaroo pouch with her uncle Adam

Frustrations

I've been so frustrated with myself lately. This is supposed to be an exciting time for my family. Ryan getting a new job (hopefully), moving to a new town, and maybe even owning a house again. But lately all it seems that I have been doing is thinking negatively about myself and the things that are happening around me. I have this tendency to get defensive about any comment that is supposed to be helpful. I don't know why I do it... it doesn't even help the situation any (it usually makes it worse).

I usually get this way when things aren't on solid ground for me. And I guess with the "softness" of everything around me, I am getting antsy. I don't adjust to change well and don't like moving either. And it seems that both have to come inevitably soon. I guess it's because of all the moving my family has done over the past few years. It seems that we are at a place for 6+ months and then move again. I get friends and then have to leave them, find a great church and then have to leave it.

I try to control things around me and God lets me know that I am defiantly not. He trys to keep reminding me of this but I ignore him. It is so hard for me to not be in control of my life and the things that happen to me. But I know that I have to let God handle it because if I was in total control.... well I don't want to know what would happen if I was in control. I know that God lets us have choices and I don't always make the right ones... but I am so bad at asking for help.
**Help to know the right things to say to someone in need, how to control my emotions and not let anger take over, slow down and look at the situation, not let my daughter control my emotions, letting go of the past, being the best christian I can be.

I guess I have the hardest time with letting go of the past and letting things that happened to me in the past control my emotions and how I think of people and what they are saying. I know this is not a very christian thing to do, but I guess because I got hurt for such a long time and at the deepest part of my soul that it is the hardest thing to let go. I want to let go of it completely because I know I would feel so much better about myself and things around me, but I don't know how to completely let go. I've tried everything.. talking, writing, etc. but nothing has seemed to work. I also know that it is a slow progress and I am in a better spot than I was three years ago. But I want to be completely rid of everything. Ryan just keeps telling me to keep talking and praying about it and eventually it will go away. But being human, I am impatient.

Well I guess I have to take Ryans advice and keep praying about it and working on my imperfections. It is just good to know that I have friends to count on and talk to in times of need.

Christmas Vacation

Ryan, Jezreel, and I went to Georgia for the christmas break and it was a great and enjoyable vacation. Although I did learn that we are NEVER taking an over night flight again unless I give my daughter some sleeping medicine (or she's old enough to understand that she can't scream for 5 hours!!!). We had lots of fun visiting my family and friends back in Georgia. Here are some pictures of things we did while we were home.

The weather in Georgia while we were home was very warm. We were able to go to the beach and hang out. While we were there people were in bathing suits and playing in the sun. There weren't too many people playing in the water, but we had to try and get her in while we were there.




She's a portland girl, what can I say. She doesn't like the sun.


She didn't want to put her feet in the water. It was too cold


Trying to build sand castles



Feeling a soft shell my sister found on the beach



I enjoy a car ride most of the time.









Attempting to climb a rhino




Now trying to figure out how to get down.

Thanksgiving Holiday

Ryan, Jezreel and I went to Stockton to visit his family. We had lots of fun seeing as Jezreel turned one year on November 16th and his grandfather turned 90 on the 17th. It is always crazy when you have so many family members in one spot at the same time. Here are some picture from our trip







Grandpa's dress














All the grandchildren








Ryan's grandfather








Oh come on dad, enough love!!!


I can play the piano

Pics of Jez

So in an effort to get some updated pics of Jez I got my crappy camera to work. I really hope we decide to get a new one for Christmas, but sorry that's a side note.

I will let you know that I decided to take these while we were putting away clothes. And then she started throwing them all over the floor. It was very funny. Then she started with the hangers. She thought that was a riot. It's amazing to me what she finds entertaining. Like right now I'm watching her try to get some curtain rods behind our couch and she is laughing because she can't get them.. But anyways.

I really love being a mom. Even though sometimes it can be stress full. Like when she doesn't want to go to bed when she's really tired or doesn't want to keep her bib on while we are feeding her spaghetti o's. But she reminds me to laugh at the little things like Peek-a-boo or bubbles.

Lots of new and exciting things

So I got a job as a pre-school teacher (only part time, but I will be teaching) so that means that Ryan and I are moving next weekend (August 8-9) because we have to be out of our aparment by the 10th of August. We are hoping to be able to move in early so we aren't doing everything at once.



Jez is getting bigger by the day and crawling around now. I'm waiting on pics from my parents (because my camera is horrible) from when we went to Tennessee so I can post those.



Life is a little stressful right now and I sometimes forget to relax and end up taking my stress out on Ryan. He is very patient with my mood swings and loves me none the less. I just hope that I can one day resist the urge to get angry so quickly and take it out on Ryan. That is the biggest struggle that I have. I feel so bad for it afterwards, but when it's happening I just get out of control and can't stop my anger. I don't ever get violent because I don't believe in that.. I just raise my voice and yell at Ryan. The devil definatly has a strong foothold on me in this department. I pray everyday that I can learn to release my stress to God and allow myself to rely on him to take care of everything. Because I do know in my heart that he will take care of everything eventually. It is such a hard thing sometimes to rely on someone that you don't see, you don't always feel the presence of, or even think that they are listening to you. But I do know that God is always around, he is always taking care of me, and he loves me unconditionally.

I am starting a new book called the Power of a Praying wife with the women at my church. I really hope that this will not only give me the opportunity to learn how to pray for my husband, but to converse with other women and talk to them about their frustrations of being a wife and a mother.